“Knowing that our lives are in-comprehensively precious, fragile, and fleeting reminds us to stop in our tracks and take stock, of every moment, of what matters, how much is enough, and where wisdom would direct our attention. Yet, facing and befriending our mortality seems to be the one thing that so many of us heartily avoid” – Kristi Nelson

How do we use something as simple as gratitude to create lasting happiness? Do we have a right to be happy? How do we even realise and recognise when we are even happy in our dysfunctional societies? Psychotherapist Esther Perel says that happiness traditionally used to be something that was expected in the afterlife. We worked hard, went without and struggled through life forgoing happiness so that we could be happy in our next life. It was never expected that we could be happy right now in each moment as happiness was something that was reserved for later when you had got all of your ‘work’ done and ticked all of those boxes perhaps.

She also says that we have experienced a profound shift in that we want to be happy now, but we want it all the time, we want to avoid any negative or hard-to-deal-with feelings and we also feel entitled to be happy and we think that others are here to serve our needs, to do what we want and when we want it and to also make us happy all of the time. What happens when we are ‘happy’ all of the time? Well, we don’t always recognise the positive emotion of happiness because we have cancelled out all of the hard somewhat so we all have dulled down all of our emotions to exist in a state of grey.

As a society instead of dealing with any hard emotions, we often use the ultimate distraction – screens. Screens can make us feel all of those emotions that we should be getting from our real life and take us out of that grey state. We now use screens for validation, screens for attention, screens for a boost to our egos, screens for romantic involvement, screens to avoid any dating rejection, screens to feel love, screens for erotic entertainment, screens for laughter and fun, and screens for socialising.

Here’s the problem with screens:

A lot of what happens on screens is not real. We get to feel all of those beautiful ranges of emotions which are necessary to life but they don’t contain the depth of emotion from which would be present in real life. When we are truly connecting with others (which is what we are here to do) we create emotion, love and appreciation through eye contact, touch, and unconditionally giving our time and attention to others without expecting anything in return.

We are all connected and we exist in pieces inside of each other and it is all based on feelings. What feeling are you giving to someone else when you meet them, talk to them, and look at them? What feeling are you giving out unconditionally to others? What feeling will someone remember you by?

We are also pinning our own happiness on things outside of ourselves, things that are ever-changing and uncontrollable. When really the only person who you have control over is yourself. Gratitude is not something you can do or obtain. It is a positive emotion that you have to cultivate within. It is a practice that consistently done over time will almost certainly lead to lasting happiness.

But here’s the burning question? How do we do this? Gratitude has been practised for centuries in leading religions and spiritual practices but has only been scientifically studied in the past ten years or so! We still have lots to study and learn about gratitude.

How Do We Practice Gratitude?

Dr Robert Emmons is one of the leading researchers on this subject and he describes the practice of gratitude in two simple steps:

1. We first acknowledge what is good and ultimately say yes to life. We then choose to see the good in all things and appreciate all that we have.

2. We then make the connection that all of the good that we have did not just come about because of our own actions but because of all of the seemingly small actions of others. Our lives have beauty, richness and complexity because of everything that other people have done to make it so and for that, we should be eternally grateful.

The monk David Steindl-Rast builds, on this by saying that first, we have to stop. We have to be still. We have to clear our mind and then and only then we can start to look. Perhaps with new fresh eyes at everything that is around us. This present moment. This gift that we have been given to simply be alive and to just experience. Then we are given an opportunity. The opportunity to take whatever opportunity each moment brings. If you miss an opportunity there will always be a new opportunity in the next moment to simply experience and interact with all of the beauty that life has to offer.

“It is not happiness that makes us grateful, it is gratefulness that makes us happy” – David Steindl-Rast

The third state of gratitude could be that cultivating value and appreciation for others also helps you to feel better about yourself because you understand that you impact other peoples lives in ways that you could not possibly imagine, people carry pieces of you and how you make them feel within them and you value and appreciate what you have to give to others more. That you don’t just exist for yourself and to meet your own needs and that meeting the needs of others is perhaps the biggest gift that you can give even to yourself.

Four quick ways that we can cultivate gratitude in our lives :

1. Say thank you: Thank you for coming, for your time, for your assistance etc.
2. Write letters: Writing is becoming a lost art. Write letters of gratefulness or notes to all of the special people that you share your life with.
3. Journaling: Start a journal or download an app where you can self-reflect and write down what you are grateful for each day. Creating this positive feeling at the personal level can then help to change all of your relationships for the better.
4. Appreciate compliments: We often downplay our successes or put ourselves down when talking with others. Receive compliments and praise with gratitude ♥

Links:

Beautiful TED talk by acclaimed photographer Louie Schwartzberg – ‘Nature.Beauty.Gratitude’

Full TED talk by David Steindl-Rast – ‘Want to be Happy? Be Grateful’

‘Stop.Look.Go’ narrated by David Steindl-Rast

Gratitude Revealed video on ‘Happiness’ narrated by Dr Christine Carter

‘It’s All About the Glass’ by Kristi Nelson

‘How Gratitude Can Change Your Life’ from Happier Human (filled with lots of amazing scientific research!)

(Photo: David Zawila via. Unsplash)